The Many Misadventures of Sakura Haruno
by Chengar Qordath
Summary: Series of one-shots. We all know Sakura's life has been pretty crazy ever since she joined Team 7, but until now we never knew just how nuts things could get sometimes...
1. Stupid Stubborn Pants!

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto and its associated characters I would be retired on a private island instead of writing fan fiction.

* * *

As one might have gathered from its name, the Forest of Death was a particularly unpleasant place. Most of the local wildlife was large and carnivorous or small and poisonous, and the trees were so thick that only the barest amount of sunlight could penetrate to the ground. To make matters worse, the forest had recently acquired a population of seventy or so hostile genin, one psychotic jinchuriki, and an S-ranked criminal, almost all of who wished Team 7 varying levels of harm. Two thirds of said team had already been rendered unconscious by the last of those hazards, leaving a pink-haired girl by the name of Sakura Haruno to watch over them.

_If anyone just looked at the basic outline of my mission records they would have some very strange ideas about how good of a ninja I am_. Sakura mused while keeping watch over her unconscious teammates. _I got through the entire mission to Wave Country without a scratch while Naruto ended up fairly battered and Sasuke-kun nearly died, and now we just had a fight with an S-Rank criminal and once again I get through it without a scratch while my teammates are both knocked out. People who don't know that the reason I don't get hurt is that I don't ever actually fight probably think I'm some sort of scary super-ninja since I keep coming out of crazy situation unscathed._

Sakura giggled at that thought; sleep deprivation does strange things to the mind.

If someone had approached Sakura Haruno the day before she went into the Forest of Death and told her that by the end of that she would call Sasuke a coward she would never have believed them. And yet, when faced with Orochimaru Sasuke would have just surrendered if Naruto hadn't shown up and fought, prompting her to point out that, for all his faults (idiocy and pervertedness being foremost amongst them) at least he wasn't a coward. That at least shamed the Uchiha into fighting, but by the end of battle Sasuke and Naruto were both unconscious, leaving Sakura with the duty of tending to her wounded teammates.

Or rather, Sakura realized to her sudden shame, tending one of her wounded teammates and leaving the other one on his own. It was natural for her to be more concerned over her one true love Sasuke than for her annoying teammate, but not to the point where she completely ignored Naruto. Granted, the Uchiha boy was obviously very ill as a result of the bite mark from Orochimaru while Naruto could easily be mistaken for as just peacefully sleeping, but the fact that Naruto was still unconscious after so many hours was a worrying sign.

Feeling a twinge of guilt for neglecting him for so long, Sakura turned her attention to her teammate. She'd already confirmed that there weren't any obvious bleeding injuries when she gave the boy a cursory inspection before tending to Sasuke, but even her relatively basic knowledge of ninjas and first aid was enough for her to realize that there were plenty of dangerous injuries that weren't accompanied by torrents of blood. A quick check of his head confirmed that he didn't have any injuries or bumps, though Sakura suspected that hitting the thick-headed boy anywhere on his skill wouldn't really inflict a serious injury anyway. Brain damage only matters to people who actually use their brains

Thinking back to the fight, Sakura remembered that Orochimaru had knocked Naruto out with a blow to the stomach, which made it rather obvious where she should start any sort of examination of the boy. Blushing slightly and praying the boy didn't regain consciousness in the next few minutes, Sakura hesitantly pulled off Naruto's shirt to check the location where he'd been struck. She had expected to see a bunch of nasty bruises, or possibly some sort of injury from whatever jutsu Orochimaru had used on the boy, not a mass of complex symbols on the boy's stomach.

Sakura studied the markings with a frown wondering what they could possibly be and why they were on Naruto's stomach. The only part of it Sakura could make any sense of were several marks that seemed very similar to the three on Sasuke's neck; the skin around the symbols seemed inflamed, and she vaguely recalled Orochimaru calling the jutsu he used on Naruto a five-pronged seal.

_So if those marks came from Orochimaru, what's the rest of this? Why would did Orochimaru use a sealing jutsu on Naruto anyway? And why did having a sealing jutsu used on him knock Naruto out?_

With a start, Sakura realized that she couldn't quite see all of the design's on Naruto's stomach, as his pants covered up the bottom part of the mass of symbols. Curiosity fought a brief war with decency, and Sakura rationalized that she needed to inspect the rest of the symbol if she wanted any answers about Naruto's current condition. Maybe if she saw the whole design on Naruto's stomach she would be able to make sense of things and have an idea about how to treat his condition. She redoubled her fervent prayers that Naruto wouldn't wake up to find her yanking his pants down, even though it was only a couple inches, and added a prayer that nobody would happen across them in the next few minutes.

* * *

"Is she taking his pants off?" Zaku asked rhetorically. The trio of Sound ninjas had been watching the girl for the last few minutes; their orders were to kill Sasuke Uchiha, but Dosu had decided that there was no harm in waiting until the girl guarding his unconscious form was completely broken by sleep deprivation. The fact that both her companions were knocked out while she appeared unscathed was a warning that she was not to be trifled with, but even the most deadly elite ninja needed sleep.

"Looks like it." Kin answered dryly.

"Huh." Zaku grunted. "Why's she doing that?"

"Those two don't matter." Dosu cut off his temporary teammates. "Our objective is Sasuke Uchiha.

"Yeah." Zaku said uncertainly. "But she's ripping that kid's clothes off while he's knocked out. Is she going to just strip him naked?"

"If she's going to stripping someone it should be the Uchiha." Kin muttered under he breath, but not quite as quietly as she had thought..

Dosu and Zaku stared at their teammate.

"What?" Kin asked defensively. "He's hot."

"He's not that good looking." Zaku scoffed. "Hell, I look better than he does."

"Keep telling yourself that." Kin said with a smirk.

"Stop getting all hot and bothered over him, Kin." Zaku shot back. "Remember, our mission is to kill the brat."

"I know that." Kin snapped.

"Besides, I think he's gay." Zaku added.

"What?" Kin asked, sounding shocked.

"Well think about it." Zaku began. "How many smoking hot girls have you seen practically throwing themselves at him just during the Chunin Exams? And he just seems annoyed by it every single time. Gay."

"He is not gay!" Kin growled at her teammate.

"I'd have a better shot at getting a kiss out of him than you!" Zaku teased.

"Shut up." Kin grumbled.

"I bet he's a bottom." Zaku said with nasty chuckle. "Probably for blondie there." He added, waving a hand at the other unconscious boy.

"I said shut up!" Kin snarled.

"Quiet!" Dosu ordered his two teammates. "We don't want to give away our presence until we're ready to strike." _This is why tossing together a team just for this mission was a bad idea; our team dynamics could use a lot of work. I've only been with them for a day and I already want to kill both of them._

* * *

"COME! OFF!!" The kunoichi emphasized each word with another tug on the boy's pants, which remained stubbornly in place.

Sakura soon discovered that adjusting Naruto's pants so that she could see the rest of the seal on his stomach was easier said than done; his jacket had a nice zipper on the front that had made removing it relatively simple, but the pants lacked such a convenient feature. To make matters worse, Naruto's dead weight made simply pulling the pants down impossible; Sakura had attempted to maneuver the boy into a better position for pants adjustment, but moving the limp boy into any sort of position was almost impossible, and all she had managed to do was flip Naruto over onto his stomach, which hadn't really helped matters.

_Even when he's unconscious he's pissing me off! _Sakura was tempted to clobber Naruto on general principle, but knowing her luck that would wake him up, and then she would have to explain why she had stripped him half-naked.

"Turn over you idiot!" Sakura growled, lying on the ground behind him and pulling on the boy's shoulder with both hands in an effort to get him on his back again. After several seconds of stubborn resistance, Naruto's weight suddenly tipped over, catching Sakura off guard as the boy's body pitched over on top of her, and before she had time to make her escape she had a half-naked Naruto lying on top of her.

_If I scream or hit him he'll wake up. If I don't get him off me, he'll eventually wake up. If he waked up while we're in this position I'll die of humiliation. Or worse, Sasuke-kun could wake up and see the two of us like this, and then he'll think_… "GET OFF!" The girl screeched shoving the unconscious boy off of her with desperate strength.

Sakura was almost tempted to give up the entire enterprise, get Naruto's shirt back on, and then beat him back into wakefulness so he could properly appreciate the experience when she beat him back into unconsciousness. However, that would mean giving him the satisfaction of winning,, although he would never know about any of this if she had anything to say about the matter she wasn't about to be beaten by a knocked-out idiot's body.

With an enraged snarl, Sakura grabbed the waistband of Naruto's pants and yanked on them with all her might while practically shouting "Come off you stupid pants!". She had originally only planned to move the pants down a couple inches to see the rest of the design on Naruto's stomach, but her pissed-off full-strength yank pulled them clean off the boy's body, and the triumphant girl held them up over her head like some sort of trophy, celebrating her victory over stubborn, heavy, knocked out boys with pants that remained stubbornly in place. "Take that stupid pants that won't come off! You're no match for Sakura Haruno! CHA!"

Then she realized that in the midst of he righteous rage against stubborn and uncooperative articles of clothing she had not only ripped off his pants, but his underwear as well.

With a horrified shriek, the girl quickly tossed Naruto's pants back over his body, and backed away to the opposite end of their small camp. She was briefly tempted to just flee the scene entirely, but there was no way she could abandon her comrades when they were injured. However, if Naruto ever found out she'd stripped him completely naked she knew she'd never hear the end of it. Naruto would almost certainly run around telling everyone a very distorted version of what had happened, and she could only imagine how much mockery that would open her up to, not to mention ruining her chances with Sasuke; he wouldn't be interested in a shameless woman who had molested Naruto in his sleep.

So, Naruto and Sasuke could never know about any of this, which meant she would have to get all of his clothes back on him, and then do her best to forget that any of this had ever happened. "Dammit! I spent all that time getting his pants off, and now I have to put them back on again!"

She regarded Naruto's prone body, trying to figure out how to accomplish her goal. Trying to maneuver the boy into position hadn't worked too well when he still had clothes on, and any awkward and compromising position the two ended up in would automatically be twenty times worse if he was naked. There was no way to know when either of the boys would wake up, but every second that she spent coming up with a plan only increased the risk of one of them awakening. So, by far the safest route to take was the direct approach; the sooner Naruto had pants back on the better..

She went up to the boy, and was about to retrieve his pants when she realized that the only thing remotely preserving his modesty was the face that she'd frantically tossed the pants over his waist when she realized what she had done. _I don't want to look at Naruto's … thingie. Maybe if I keep my eyes closed… _Sakura closed her eyes, and blindly groped for Naruto's pants. While she eventually did manage to find his pants, as she taking them in hand her fingers brushed against something warm and dangly, and she gasped in sudden horror upon realizing what it must be. Sakura's eyes snapped open to confirm her fears about what had happened; when her worst fears were realized, the shrieked in dismay, and quickly shut her eyes again.

To make matter infinitely worse, Naruto gave a sleepy mutter of "Sakura-chan…"

_Oh shit._ Sakura froze in terror while some tiny part of her mind the retained the capacity for rational thought desperately begged her to at least assume a less compromising position than having her hand in contact with Naruto's penis. Fortunately for the girl, Naruto settled back down after a second or two, and Sakura decided that it had probably just been him having a dream and talking in his sleep. _If he was having a perverted dream about me … it's probably my fault for touching him there, and he'd still be much less of a pervert than I'll look like if I don't get him dressed before he or Sasuke-kun wake up or someone finds us._

_Well, there's no way I can do this with my eyes closed, and there's not really any point in keeping them closed when I've already seen and … touched it. _The girl shivered in moderate revulsion at that thought; even if she was gradually accepting that Naruto was not nearly so terrible as she had once thought that didn't mean she wanted to do that sort of thing with him.

Hesitantly, the girl opened her eyes and regarded the prone Uzumaki, only to flush in embarrassment and clamp her eyes back shut. She repeated this process several times, each time managing to last slightly longer before her modesty overcame her. On the sixth try, she'd finally become somewhat inoculated to the sight, and was able to more or less function despite the fact that she was seeing certain parts of Naruto's anatomy that she repeatedly told herself that had absolutely no desire to see.

_So that's what one looks like. _Sakura had academic knowledge of male anatomy, but there was a big difference between reading about it in a book (even one with pictures) and seeing the real thing in the flesh. Sakura took a moment to look over the symbols that had prompted her initiate this entire unfortunate string of events, but seeing the rest of the marks provided no sudden insight into Naruto's condition. _I'll have to remember to mention those to Kakashi-sensei, or maybe that crazy proctor lady running the exam; Naruto getting knocked out probably has something to do with these symbols, so they're probably important. Plus, I have to wonder what the deal is with them.._

She was about to set to the task of re-dressing the unconscious boy when a sudden mad thought burst into her mind. _I wonder how he compares to Sasuke-kun? _An instant after the thought occurred to her she was horrified by it. _How could I even have such a horribly perverted thought. Besides, Sasuke-kun would obviously be much, much more well equipped than that idiot Naruto._

Satisfied with her reasoning, Sakura gave a quick nod to herself and dismissed the matter from her mind. Even if Sasuke was unconscious and would never know if she did decide to get a look at his undoubtedly wonderful body and amazingly many manhood, she just wouldn't do something that perverted and wrong. She would never, ever abuse his trust and their bond as teammates in such a blatant and immoral way. It was just wrong.

One minute later…

"But … Sasuke-kun…" Sakura gasped, her voice laced with bitter disappointment as she studied his wedding tackle. Contrary to her expectations, Naruto had proven to have a significant advantage over the Uchiha, whose equipment was substantially below average.

_Looks like I picked the wrong boy to crush on. No wonder Hinata likes him so much; with the Byakugan she probably already knew about how well-equipped Naruto is._ An instant after that occurred to her Sakura shook her head in angry denial. _Alright, so maybe Naruto is…larger than Sasuke, but aside from that what does he have going for him? Well, he's a lot braver that Sasuke, and I suppose he is kind of cute in an annoying idiot who makes me want to kill him kind of way. And he's pretty nice when he's not being stupid or trying to be funny … and I suppose he actually is somewhat amusing every once in a while. Alright, but aside from being brave, cute, nice, funny, and possessing a reasonably large penis for his age what does Naruto have going for him over Sasuke?_

Increasingly annoyed by this entire line of thought, Sakura angrily dismissed it. _None of this matters. I'm not some shallow, flighty little girl who will immediately change her affections just because Naruto happens to have a larger set of equipment than Sasuke._

* * *

"Did she just…?" Zaku asked, regarding the pink-haired girl in shock.

"Yeah." Kin said dully, considering the Uchiha. "Wow, I kinda expected him to be … better."

"That's how you know he bottoms." Zaku responded with a playful smirk. "No way he could be a top with that tiny little needle-dick."

"It's not that small, and I already told you he's not gay!" Kin snapped, flushing with anger. "Besides, he's only, like 12 or something, it'll get bigger."

Zaku suddenly stilled with a thoughtful frown. After half a minute of silence, he hesitantly said. "You know guys, we're sitting in the woods watching a 12 year old girl molest a pair of unconscious boys."

"What's your point?" Dosu asked wearily. The bandaged man had already come up with half a dozen good ways to kill his teammates, and was finding the thought of putting one of them into action increasingly tempting as he was forced to spend more and more time in their presence.

"Well, isn't that kind of weird?" Zaku asked.

"What do you mean?" Kin inquired, sounding confused by his question.

"I'm just saying, we're just sitting her in the woods, watching that girl molest the two of them. I mean, doesn't that seem kind of messed up to you." With a disgusted grimace, Zaku added, "I mean, it's like we're pedophiles or something."

"We're not pedophiles." Dosu assured the worried ninja. "We're just carrying out our mission."

"Besides, they're not that much younger than us." Kin said defensively.

"Yeah, but it's still kind of weird that we're just sitting here, watching." Zaku asserted.

"It is." Kin agreed. "But that's our mission."

"I get that." Zaku said. "But I'm starting to feel a little uncomfortably just sitting here, watching this going on . I think we've waited long enough, let's just go ahead with the mission already."

"The girl's not nearly tired enough." Dosu disagreed with a shake of his head. _And she must be even stronger than I expected if she's willing and able to abuse her teammates with such impunity._

"So what do we do then?" Zaku demanded. "Should we just site here and watch like a bunch of pervs while she rapes a pair of knocked-out kids?"

"Our mission is to kill Sasuke Uchiha, not preserve his innocence." Dosu answered.

Silence reigned for a few seconds, and then Zaku declared. "You know what, I just have to say something here. I'm not comfortable just sitting in the woods watching this go down. If we're not going to do something about it then I'm leaving; those guys aren't going anywhere any time soon, so there's no reason we can't just leave, then come back in a couple hours when she's done raping them."

"She's not raping them." Dosu declared flatly.

"She's not raping them yet." Zaku shot back, placing heavy emphasis on the last word.

"It doesn't matter!" Dosu snapped. "Our mission is to kill Sasuke Uchiha, and we can't do that until we make sure that the girl won't be a threat to us. We're not leaving and giving her a chance to relocate or either of the boys a chance to wake up, even if she's molesting them. Even if she rapes them, we will remain in position and prepared to carry out our mission. Even if, after she rapes them, she takes advantage of their unconscious state to force their bodies to perform gay sex acts on each other for her own twisted amusement and pleasure, we are not moving from this spot." Dosu gave a nod of satisfaction, glad that he had finally made the situation clear to Zaku.

"Oh no…" Zaku said, looking even more horrified and disgusted than he had before. "You don't think she'd really make them have gay sex after she rapes them, do you?"

_Dammit_. Dosu silently cursed, realizing that Zaku had completely missed the point.

"You know, Zaku's got a point." Kin unexpectedly agreed with her teammate. "I'm not comfortable just sitting in the woods watching her rape those guys either, it's just weird; we should leave."

"Seriously?" Dosu asked dully. "You want us to abandon an excellent strategic position and possibly compromise our entire mission and offend Orochimaru-sama just because you're feeling uncomfortable?"

"Yes." Zaku and Kin said almost simultaneously. "I'm just really uncomfortable watching boys be sexually molested and not doing anything about it." Zaku added.

"Is it because of Orochimaru-sama?" Kin asked sympathetically.

"I don't like to talk about it." Zaku said flatly.

"Is that why you ran away screaming when we saw that one-eyed snake earlier?" Kin inquired, still sounding very sympathetic to her teammate's plight.

"I don't like to talk about it!" Zaku hissed under his breath with a haunted look on his face.

"Oh … poor thing." Kin cooed to Zaku, before turning a fierce glare on Dosu. "How can you be so heartless! I can't believe you would make him watch this and force him relive all his bad memories!" The kunoichi demanded. "You should be ashamed of yourself. Let's just go already!"

"Fine." Dosu answered in resignation. _There's obviously no point in trying to make reason with the pair of them, and I can't do this mission by myself. Oh well, back to happier thoughts, like working out how I can hide small paper bombs in their food; if I do it right they won't notice the bombs while they're eating, but a couple hours later … boom. Or I could kill them by…_

* * *

"Owwww." Naruto groaned as he slowly regained consciousness. It took him a couple seconds to make sense of things and recall why he was in the middle of the forest; the last thing he remembered was fighting some weird snake guy (or was it a girl? It'd been kinda hard to tell) and Sasuke proving that he was just a total wuss, but giving Naruto a chance to make a really badass entry to save the day. Then he'd gotten really pissed at the snake person and things got a little fuzzy, but he remembered getting hit really hard. That was pretty much the last coherent thing he remembered before waking up here, though he'd had a pretty strange dream while he was knocked out…

Suddenly, Naruto was enveloped by a fair of slender arms and his vision was filled with a mass of pink hair. "Oh Naruto-kun, thank goodness you're alright! I was so worried!"

"Eh … Sakura-chan, is that you?" Naruto asked, still disoriented from waking up.

"No, it's some other pink-haired girl who looks exactly like me and is wearing my clothes and has my voice." Sakura told the boy, pulling back from the hug to smile at him. Seeing Naruto's confusion and concern at her remark and realizing that detecting sarcasm might be beyond his mental capabilities, Sakura clarified. "That was a joke."

"Oh." Naruto said, still not entirely clear on what was going on. "Uh … why're you being so nice to me all of a sudden Sakura-chan?"

"Well, after everything that's happened I had a chance to see something, um, see some things more clearly that is, and … well…" Sakura trailed off blushing, and muttered something under her breath.

Naruto was about to continue his efforts to figure out what was going on with the pink-haired girl when Sasuke woke with a pained groan. There were weird marks all over Sasuke's skin, but after a few seconds they faded away as he turned to regard his teammates. "Naruto … Sakura … what's going on?" The Uchiha asked brusquely.

"Oh, you're awake." Sakura declared disdainfully. Naruto stared at Sakura, surprised by her sudden reversal of position on Sasuke, and Sasuke himself was regarding the girl with suspicion. Returning her attention to the blond boy, Sakura asked, "So how're you feeling Naruto-kun? You were so brave fighting that Orochimaru guy, and I was so worried when I saw how he hurt you. Is there anything I can do to make you feel better? I would be happy to do anything to help you." The stress the girl put on the word "anything" and the fanatical gleam entering her eyes was almost disturbing.

"Uh … Ramen?" Naruto said hesitantly, asking for the first thing that came to mind.

"I saw you packed some instant ramen with your supplies, I'll go get the water, then start a fire and fix it." Sakura assured him. The girl gave him another hug, then trotted off into the forest, sparing Sasuke a disdainful glance when she passed by him.

"Well that was weird." Naruto declared to his other teammate once the kunoichi was well away. "I mean, it's great that Sakura-chan likes me now, but still … the whole thing was kinda weird."

"I don't think that's actually Sakura." Sasuke declared, quickly checking his equipment pouch. "She's acting way too differently from how she normally is." _She's treating me like Naruto and Naruto like me._

"You don't think it's a guy transformed to look like Sakura do you?" Naruto asked, looking disturbed by the thought. "And anyway, what's so weird about Sakura-chan liking me?"

"You do realize that any time she spends more than thirty seconds around you she ends up screaming at you and beating the crap out of you, don't you?" Sasuke asked. "Suddenly acting nice and practically throwing herself at you like that isn't exactly normal for her."

"Yeah, but she said after that fight with the snake man … girl … thing that she'd realized I was pretty freaking awesome, and now she likes me." Naruto explained.

"Right…" Saauke replied, his skepticism obvious from the tone of his voice.

"I guess you can ask for that password you came up with when she comes back." Naruto suggested before suddenly perking up. "Hey, hey! That reminds me! I had this really weird dream about Sakura while I was knocked out. It was really weird, 'cause Sakura was in it, well, that's not so weird, but what was weird was that I was all naked and stuff, well, half-naked at first, but then she took off my pants, and she was totally checking me out, then she checked you out, and she was all, 'Yeah, Naruto's better.'" Naruto paused in thought for a moment, then added. "It's weird, usually when Sakura's in my dreams she's the one who's naked, and she's feeding me ramen." A blissful look passed over Naruto's face as he recalled the best part of that dream. "And not just any ramen, it was Ichiraku special super-ramen that was made with all kinds of rare ingredients, and it was so awesome that it took three ninja-chefs just to prepare the noodles. It was like, the best ramen ever! Oh, and did I mention that the ramen…"

"Naruto you jerk!" Naruto's cup of instant ramen came flying out of the woods to smack in the forehead, followed shortly by enraged Sakura. "You go on and on about your damn ramen and barely even mention the fact that I was naked! You didn't even think to say one word about how beautiful and womanly I was!? I'll kill you!"

"Guess that is the real Sakura after all." Sasuke muttered to himself.


	2. Fun With Shadow Clones!

Disclaimer: Still poor because I don't own Naruto

* * *

"Man, Kakashi-sensei's even later than usual." Naruto complained.

"A jonin like him really should be more responsible." Sakura added.

"Hn." Sasuke offered in agreement.

_Hehe … I'll get that lazy bastard for always showing up late. Hmm … while we're waiting I can totally ask Sakura-chan out on another date! She's gotta say yes eventually!_ With a wide grin, Naruto turned to the girl and began, "Hey Sakura-chan…"

Sakura was paying the blond boy no mind, as she was entranced by the way the wind was blowing through the hair of amazingly handsome Sasuke Uchihi. "Um … Sasuke-kun? Maybe while we're waiting for Kakashi-sensei we could…"

"No." Sasuke cut her off.

"You didn't even let me finish." Sakura objected.

"You were going to ask me out on a date, right?" Sasuke asked. When the girl nodded mutely the dark-haired boy continued. "Perhaps I wasn't clear enough the last twenty times you tried to get a date out of me; I do not want to date you. I don't have time to waste with girls; I've got more important things to do."

"Sakura-chan! If Sasuke doesn't wanna date you then can I?" Naruto cut in.

Sakura's fists clenched in frustration, and barely restrained the urge to clobber the annoying the brat. There was a proper time place, and manner to ask a girl out, and Naruto always ended up picking the worst combination possible of all three. "Shut up before I shut you up, Naruto." Before the boy could say anything more, the girl stalked off for a bit to get over her disappointment over another rejection and her anger with Naruto being … too Naruto-like.

Naruto turned a furious glare on the Uchiha boy, who met his glare with disinterest. "Why d'you always have to mess things up for me with Sakura?" Naruto demanded.

"Don't blame me for your failures, loser." Sasuke shot back. "Besides, it's not like I'm encouraging her. If I could figure out a way to get rid of her I could."

Naruto gave a humorless chuckle. "Kinda funny, isn't it? I can't get her to like me, and you can't get her to stop liking you."

"Maybe you should act more like me." Sasuke said with a smirk.

"Yeah, well maybe you oughta act more like me." Naruto countered.

The boys glared at each other for a several seconds, gradually relaxing as the two shared a thought simultaneously. _What the hell, it's worth a shot. Besides, gotta do something to pass the time while waiting for our lazy sensei._

"Look at me, I'm an idiot who's massively overcompensating for the fact that nobody will ever pay attention me." Sasuke deadpanned. "One day I'm gonna be Hokage. Believe it."

"Hn. I'm a stuck up asshole." Naruto grunted. "I hate everyone and I'm never happy."

The two boys regarded each other, and Sasuke turned his head to the side and scoffed. "This is stupid."

"Yeah." Naruto said, nodding his head in agreement while his face was screwed up in concentration. After a few moments the boy's face brightened as he discovered the solution. A quick transformation jutsu later there were two Sasuke Uchiha's waiting at the bridge. "Now you turn into me, and we'll just act like ourselves!" The more energetic Sasuke suggested. "This'll definitely work."

"No." Sasuke declared. "That's an idiotic idea, even for you. There's no way I'll let you run around Konoha in my body; you'll ruin my reputation. Not to mention that if I'm running around as you I'll be boosting yours. There's also the fact that I can't produce tons of shadow clones like you do, and you don't know any of my moves. In a fight it would be obvious we'd swapped. It's a stupid idea."

"No it's not, it's awesome!" Naruto insisted.

"That's what you said about all of your plans to find out what was under Kakashi-sensei's mask." Sasuke reminded the boy.

"Well, they were awesome!" Naruto insisted, returning to his normal form. "It's just, stuff kept going wrong so the plans never quite worked like they should've."

"Because they were stupid." Sasuke added.

This inaugurated a full fledged argument between the two boys, which, like most of their arguments, mostly involved Naruto yelling a lot and Sasuke offering the occasional brief comment when Naruto stopped speaking for a few seconds. Once the argument died down Naruto began working on his next scheme to win Sakura's affections, while Sasuke worked on some of the finer points of using his Sharingan. After a few minutes Sakura returned, followed shortly by Kakashi-sensei finally appearing.

"Sorry I'm late guys." Kakashi apologized, seeming slightly more worn down than his usual upbeat self? "I was up all night reading porn and overslept."

"You liar!" Naruto shouted at his sensei from sheer force of habit.

Sakura nearly went along with their routine of yelling at their continually late sensei, but frowned thoughtfully when she heard the man's excuse. "Actually, I think he might be telling the truth this time Naruto."

The blond considered her words for a minute, then nodded. "Yeah, Kakashi-sensei being late because he's a giant perv sounds a lot more believable than him helping old ladies or rescuing cats."

"You guys … don't have much respect for me, do you?" Kakashi asked his genin.

"No."

"Not a bit."

"You kidding?"

Kakashi's shoulders slumped in dejection.

"Maybe this will teach you not to be late any more!" Naruto shouted performing a quick handseal. _I can't believe I never tried this on him before; he's such an obvious perv it'll definately get him_. A burst of smoke enveloped Naruto, and when the smoke began to clear the boy had been replaced with a busty girl.

Sakura fists clenched by her sides and the girl grit her teeth in a furious snarl. The sexy jutsu was probably one of the most perverted thing Naruto had ever come up with, and Sakura really hated it when Naruto acted like a pervert. By contrast, Sasuke simply remained in the exact same pose he'd been in before Naruto activated his jutsu, and Kakashi … gave absolutely no visible reaction.

_Damn … that mask and his headband mean I can barely even see any of face, so I've got no idea how he'll react unless he starts acting like a mega-perv._ Just as Naruto was about to cancel the jutsu, Kakashi said all too casually. "You know Naruto, I'm really starting to like you."

"Agh!" Naruto quickly returned to his normal, male, self then leveled an accusing finger at his sensei. "You … you're even worse than pervy sage! You were gonna do perverted stuff to me if I hadn't turned back to normal self, weren't you?"

Kakashi regarded the agitated boy mildly, then asked. "Huh? Did you say something?"

Any retort from Naruto was effectively cut off by Sakura's fist slamming into the side of his head. "Why do you keep doing that disgusting jutsu!" _And why is Naruto's female version prettier than me! It's not fair!_

"It's a distraction technique." Naruto defended himself. "A lot of ninjas can't concentrate on fighting when I use the sexy jutsu! I took out a jonin with it once!"

"The only people it would ever work on are perverts like you!" Sakura snapped. "Even then it didn't do anything to Kakashi-sensei when he's a pervert. Against a real ninja it's worthless; Sasuke-kun was completely unaffected." Sakura turned to regard the boy of her dreams. "Right Sasuke-kun?"

Sasuke remained silent, still in exactly the same position he'd been in when Naruto activated the sexy jutsu.

"Sasuke-kun?" Sakura asked, sounding a bit worried. Usually asking the boy a direct question would at least get a monosyllable answer out of him, so complete silence was a bit odd. "Sasuke-kun?" Sakura asked, tentatively touching the boy's shoulder.

The slight pressure of Sakura's touch was enough to disturb Sasuke's fragile equilibrium, and the boy tumbled down to the ground. "Hah!" Naruto crowed triumphantly. "See, the sexy jutsu's awesome!"

"Sasuke-kun?" Sakura asked, torn between worry and mounting indignation. _How can the sexy jutsu work on Sasuke-kun? He can't be a pervert! And why is he reacting so strongly to Naruto's sexy jutsu when he always ignores me?_ Turning a baleful gaze on Naruto, Sakura growled his name as if it were the vilest of curses, and began stalking towards him, cracking her knuckles ominously.

"Hey, it's not my fault." Naruto said, backpedaling frantically.. "If Sasuke wasn't a closet-perv then the sexy jutsu wouldn't have done anything to him." Noting that his words only further enraged the girl, Naruto groaned in resignation. "Crap … you're gonna beat me up no matter what I say, aren't you?"

Sakura's only response was to continue her murderous advance. Desperate to avoid the girl's wrath, Naruto quickly created a dozen shadow clones, and each promptly fled in a different direction. "I'll just kill you a dozen times then!" the enraged girl shouted chasing off after one of the clones.

Kakashi considered the area where less than a minute earlier his team had been ready and waiting to go on their next mission. Now Naruto had fled to avoid dealing with an enraged Sakura while the girl quickly set off in pursuit of the object of her rage, and Sasuke was lying on the ground twitching with a bit of drool coming out of his mouth. "Sasuke? You alright?" Kakashi asked, trying to determine if the boy had any serious medical issues.

"I had my sharingan activated when Naruto …" The Uchiha whispered, a glazed look in his eyes. With sudden desperate strength, he clutched his sensei's vest and gasped. "I … SAW … it!" His strength spent, the boy collapsed into unconsciousness.

Kakashi considered the traumatized boy for a moment, then gazed in the direction his other two students had run off in. "So." The jonin muttered. "Looks like I get to do the mission by myself." He considered the matter for a moment, then pulled out what would eventually become his mission report and put down a note that Naruto and Sakura were unable to participate as he was doing escape and evasion training while she was doing pursuit training, and Sasuke was recovering from a recent injury. _Now at least I won't get bothered about why I'm doing the mission by myself instead of with my team..._

* * *

"It appears that Naruto has provoked Sakura ... again." Shino declared emotionlessly as he watched the blond flee from the pink-haired girl's wrath. Teams 8 and 10 had been getting lunch together in order to gossip about the rumors that their senseis were dating. While Ino was by far the most interested in the rumors, but even the relatively gossip-immune team members like Shikamaru were curious, and nobody minded having an excuse to socialize a bit over good meal.

"Sakura should be nicer to Naruto-kun." Hinata said softly. "He tries so hard to impress her." _Almost as hard as I try to win his regard.._

"I don't know why he bothers." Shikamaru grumbled. "Women are so troublesome."

"Wonder what the idiot did to set her off this time?" Ino asked with a scoff.

Before the genin could begin speculating, Sakura's scream carried over from several blocks away. "I'll teach you to use your damned sexy jutsu in front of me! PERVERT! When I catch you I'll kill you until you die from it!"

"Never mind." Ino amended.

"Why does she get so angry about it anyway?" Choji asked between mouthfuls of food. Noting Ino's budding anger, the big-boned boy quickly clarified. "I mean, I understand why any girl would be upset by that jutsu, but it seems like it bugs Sakura a lot more than it does other girls."

Kiba chuckled and offered his own theory. "It's probably 'cause Naruto's sexy jutsu is hotter than her." Taking a moment to ponder the matter, Kiba added. "Then again, Naruto's sexy jutsu is probably hotter than all the real girls in our year."

Silence reigned over the table.

Slowly, Choji set down the bite of food that had been halfway to his mouth, then uttered four words nobody who knew him had ever expected him to hear. "I've lost my appetite."

Hinata was blushing furiously; Shino appeared unaffected by Kiba's declaration, yet he seemed to be slowly but steadily inching away from his comrade.

Ino spoke next, her voice dulled with shock. "Did you just say that I'm uglier than a gender-bent Naruto?"

"Well, she is smoking hot. He is … Whatever." Kiba declared with careless shrug, while Akamaru put his paws over his eyes and whined.. "I mean, the sexy jutsu's got huge boobs compared to all the other girls in our year…"

With a wearied sigh, Shikamaru offered the Inuzuka some badly needed advice. "Kiba you should probably start running away now."

"Huh?" Kiba asked, not understanding his error.

"YOU MADE ME LOSE MY APPETITE!" An enraged Choji shouted.

"YOU CALLED ME UGLIER THAN A CROSS-DRESSING BOY!" Ino added in her own accusation.

"Oh … yeah, time to run." Kiba turned his eyes up to the puppy on his head. "Akamaru, let's use the man-beast clone to split them up and get away."

Akamaru hopped off his partner's head and trotted off towards home, still in puppy form. The single bark the ninja dog yipped back at his master could easily be interpreted even by someone who lacked the Inuzuka training. "You're on your own."

"Traitor." Kiba grumbled under his breath, before fleeing for his life from two thirds of an enraged Team 10.

* * *

"Naruto!" Sakura shouted, still furiously pursuing the boy in question. "Stop running away! You're only going to end up making it worse when I finally catch you!"

"If you catch me, Sakura-chan." The boy countered, still fleeing at full speed.

"You know I'll catch you eventually Naruto, and when I do you'll pay for making me chase you halfway across Konoha!" The girl bellowed. "Now stop running and take your beating like a man!"

"No!" Naruto cried back at the girl. "It hurts when you hit me!"

"It's supposed to, idiot!" Sakura pointed out. "That's why I do it!"

"You're mean Sakura-chan." Naruto whined. "Why d'you always have to be so mean to me?"

"It's nothing less than you deserve for being so stupid and perverted and annoying!" Sakura declared.

"Would it help if I said I was sorry?" Naruto asked desperately.

The girl paused in her pursuit, her rage appearing to drain away. "Yeah, it would." She said softly.

Naruto stopped running away, and slowly began to approach the girl who had until moments ago seemed intent on killing him. "Does that mean you forgive me, Sakura-chan?" The boy asked tentatively.

"Yeah." The girl said, favoring him with a rare smile and beckoning him to come closer.. "Come here, Naruto."

_Wow, she's looking at me really nicely … maybe she's gonna hug me, or maybe even kiss me? That'd be so awesome!_ The boy approached, a hopeful smile on his face. Sakura smile back.

Then she clobbered him.

"Gotcha." The girl said with a victorious smirk.

"You tricked me!" Naruto shrieked, a look of shocked betrayal on his face before he disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"That was just one of his clones." The girl growled. "Dammit." I'll hit the real one twice as hard when I find him to make up for it.

* * *

"Another bowl of miso ramen." Naruto requested, letting out a satisfied burp as he finished off his fourth bowl. "Getting chased all around Konoha by Sakura-chan makes me hungry!"

"What did you do to get her angry this time Naruto?" Ayame asked.

"Eh … the usual." Naruto said with a careless shrug.

"I don't know why you're always getting her so riled up." Arame chuckled, then added. "One day you're going to push that girl too far."

"Nah." Naruto said, waving a hand dismissively. "It's a thing Sakura-chan and I have. I do stuff that bugs her, and she gets pissed, she hits me and yells at me a bit, and that's it. It's like a … like a … what's that word for stuff you do over and over just 'cause?"

"A ritual?" Ayame suggested.

"Yeah, that's it!" Naruto said, nodding enthusiastically. "I tease her and get her angry, then she clobbers me. It's weird, but nice. At least she's not just ignoring me or something."

"So ... you like it when the girl you have a crush beats you up?" Ayame asked skeptically.

"Well, when you put it that way it sounds weird and kinda freaky." Naruto grumbled. "She doesn't really beat me up though; I mean, she doesn't really hit me hard enough to hurt bad or anything, and I heal pretty fast anyway. That's how you know she likes me."

"You think she likes you because she doesn't hit you that hard when you make her angry?" The ramen girl queried.

"Yeah." Naruto agreed, nodding enthusiastically. "Sure, she doesn't always act like it, but you can tell that deep down she's into me. She might say she likes Sasuke, but I think it's pretty obvious that once she finally sees how awesome I really am she'll be into me instead. The only reason she likes him and not me is that she thinks he's a cool elite ninja and I'm just a loser. Once she sees I'm not a loser everything'll work out."

"Really?" Ayame inquired, struggling to restrain the urge to laugh.

"Believe it!" Naruto assured her. "I bet she's secretly lusting after me all the time." Naruto frowned, then added. "I hope her secret lusting after me doesn't involve peeking on me in the baths or something; secret lust is alright, but I don't want her being all pervy."

"Of course not." Ayame said with a giggle.

"She can't pretend she's not into me forever." Naruto declared. "You just wait, someday soon Sakura's finally gonna admit she likes me! You know why? 'Cause I'm awesome like that." Naruto grinned and added. "It might even be today. I bet when she finally tracks me down a couple hours from now she'll have forgotten why she was pissed and be, like 'Naruto, I love so much!'"

Ayama couldn't take it any more, and quickly set the boy's ramen bowl down in front of him before she burst into laughter.

"What's so funny Ayame-nee-chan?" Naruto asked, confused by the girl's behavior. Then a horrible premonition struck the boy. "Sakura-chan's been right behind me the entire time, hasn't she?"

"Hello Naruto, I suspected I'd find you here." The girl in question greeted, her voice filled with venomous fury.

"Crap." Naruto groaned. Before the boy could attempt to flee a hand grabbed a chunk of his hair on the back of his head, and with a single vicious motion slammed the boy's face right into his ramen bowl. "Ow! It burns!" Naruto screeched as steaming hot ramen covered his face. "It's delicious, but it still burns!"

Then the boy disappeared in a puff of white smoke.

"A shadow clone eating ramen." Sakura growled. "Only Naruto would do something that stupid."

"Ah … Sakura-san?" Ayame addressed the enraged girl. "You broke that bowl, and bowls cost money."

"Make Naruto pay you back." Sakura suggested.

"He's not the one who broke one of my father's bowls." Ayame pointed out.

"Right … sorry." Sakura apologized, and quickly paid for the damage she had inflicted. _I am going to kill Naruto. Slowly, and painfully. Then he'll be dead, and I'll be happy_.

* * *

Naruto grimaced as another clone met its end at Sakura's hands; he had hoped that having a couple shadow clones to vent her rage upon would give Sakura a chance to calm down, but instead it seemed like she was getting angrier and angrier every time she dispersed a clone. To make matters worse, the most recent clone to die had been uncomfortably close to the real Naruto's position. _Gotta draw her away … maybe if I can make a clean getaway I can just lie low for a couple hours and give her a chance to calm down. She can't stay mad at me forever._

Fortunately for Naruto, his shadow clones thought exactly like him, and the nearest one had already come up with a particularly inspired way to draw Sakura's ire and attention away from the real Naruto. Unfortunately, Naruto, whether as a clone or the original, did not always consider the full consequences of his actions before launching a particular gambit.

With a burst of smoke the clone transformed itself into a replica of Sakura, and then shouted at the top of its voice. "My name is Sakura Haruno, and I'm in love with Naruto Uzumaki!"

_Well, that'll definitely get her attention … and I probably need to hide for a couple of days now, not just a couple hours._

* * *

Sakura was starting to wonder if she should just give up on her pursuit of the infuriating Uzumaki. While she was still righteously pissed at him, the simple fact was that she was running out of energy. Naruto had always had a massive edge over her in stamina, and tracking down and taking out half a dozen of his shadow clones had pushed her to the edges of her endurance. For all she knew the boy had long since gone to ground while she was running herself ragged chasing shadows.

_I'll get him tomorrow when he shows up for our team meeting. He won't miss a chance for training or a mission, even if it means letting me get my hands on him. Of course, this being Naruto he'll probably have forgotten I'm mad at him by then anyway. Yeah … I'll just call it a night and get him tomorrow._

"My name is Sakura Haruno, and I'm in love with Naruto Uzumaki!" The shout sounded like it came from several blocks away, and it didn't take the pink haired girl long to guess why she was hearing her own voice making such a ridiculous announcement. _NARUTO you BASTARD!_

Suddenly, Sakura found her second wind.

The girl went barreling towards the shapeshifted Uzumaki, fueled by a deadly combination of rage and humiliation. By the time she tracked the Naruto currently masquerading as her down he was already moving along the rooftops at high speed, repeating his reputation-ruining announcement every couple blocks.

Sakura tried to simply chase the boy down, but he still seemed relatively fresh while Sakura, even with rage powering her, was exhausted. _I'm not gonna be able to catch up with him, and I've already tricked one into coming closer before … even Naruto won't fall for the same trick twice in one day … probably._ As another fraudulent declaration of love was belted out for all of Konoha to hear, the girl decided that it was time for extreme measures. _I'll just nick him, and it's only going to be another shadow clone anyway_.

The doppelganger seemed quite shocked when Sakura pulled out a shuriken and sent it flying at her double accompanied by an enraged shout of, "I hate you Naruto Uzumaki!" The weapon left a small scratch on the clone's arm, and in the next instant it disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"Another clone down." Sakura declared, her voice thick with exhaustion as the adrenaline rush of her enraged pursuit of the particularly offensive clone faded. _I can't believe Naruto did something like that when I'm already angry with him, but I might just have to call it a night here, I can barely stand. This roof is nice and comfortable, and I don't think I can make it home anyway._

The real Naruto frowned as he watched his crash sag down on the roof, appearing to be on the verge of falling asleep on the spot. _Man, I forgot Sakura's not used to working this hard; she's been chasing down shadow clones all day. I better make sure she gets home safe; maybe that'll make her forgive me._

Naruto quickly crossed the rooftops towards the downed girl. Unfortunately for him, Sakura was still conscious and aware enough of her surroundings to be aware of his approach. _Another one of Naruto's shadow clones, huh? Well, I know how to deal with them._

The girl pulled out a kunai and sent it flying in the boy's direction. Unfortunately, she was too tired to aim as well as she had before, and instead of putting a minor scratch on him the knife sank straight into the meat of his leg. With one of his legs suddenly no longer able to support him, Naruto tumbled off the roof with a dismayed shout.

_Another clone down_. Sakura congratulated herself. Her aim might have been off, but the end result was still the same. Why had she been so worried about not wanting to score a solid hit again?

The answer came crashing down on her shortly after she heard Naruto go crashing to the ground and didn't disappear in a puff of smoke like all the other clones did. _I wanted to avoid solid hits in case it was the real Naruto! _"NARUTO!" Sakura shouted in sudden panic. "Are you alright? Say something!"

"Owwww." The wounded boy groaned. "That's a lot of blood."

_Oh no … what if I hit a major artery! He could die! I might've just killed Naruto!_ A wave of guilt struck the girl, and redoubled as she remembered all the times she had joked and half-seriously said that one day she was going to kill Naruto. Earlier that very day she had told she was planning to kill him, and now she might just have done so. _NO! I didn't mean it! I was only joking!_ "Hang on Naruto! I'll be right there!"

Her exhaustion completely forgotten, Sakura rushed down off the roof and quickly located the downed boy. In addition to the wound from kunai, and Sakura was dismayed to note that Naruto had foolishly removed the weapon from his leg, Naruto had picked up a number of scrapes and bruises from his tumble off the roof. The leg wound was clearly the worst injury, pumping out blood slowly, but steadily. "Sakura-chan," The boy gasped. "You…"

"I'm so sorry Naruto!" Sakura cried, tears prickling her eyes. "I didn't mean to hurt you! I thought it was just a shadow clone, and the kunai slipped and … Naruto I'm so sorry!"

The boy smiled weakly. "S'okay, Sakura." Naruto groaned in agony, then asked. "Hey, is it just me, or is getting kinda dark here?"

"You're going to be alright Naruto!" Sakura assured him, pulling out another kunai to cur off the boy's blood-soaked pants leg and turning it into an improvised bandage for his wounded leg. "It's not that bad, I think the bleeding's already starting to slow down!" Sakura couldn't really tell if Naruto's blood loss was slowing, but she desperately needed to believe that it was.

"Sakura." Naruto said softly. "Sorry about all those stupid pranks I did. I know they bug you. Sorry I'm so stupid and annoying too."

"No." The girl shook her head, scattering tears from her eyes. "You're not stupid or annoying, well not really, and I actually think some of your pranks were kinda funny."

"Oh … thanks. Um … Sakura … I think my leg's still bleeding pretty bad." Naruto groaned. "Um … I'm starting to feel kinda cold too … that's bad, right?"

"It's okay Naruto." Sakura assured him, clutching the boy in a desperate hug as if holding onto him would keep him from passing on. "You're gonna be okay." The boy shifted in her arms, and ended up with his face pressed against her modest breasts, but Sakura was far too distraught over his impending death at her hands to care.

"You hate me don't you Sakura?" Naruto groaned.

"No, I don't." She assured him.

"But … you said…"

"I was angry, I didn't mean it." She said, clutching him closer. "I … I care about you. I … we're always joking and playing around and winding each other up, and I always thought we didn't need to even say anything, because…" The girl choked down a sob, then continued. "I wish we had more time … you can't die Naruto!"

"Well, since you asked so nicely…" Naruto said, suddenly sounding exactly like his old self.

"Naruto?" Sakura gasped.

"I heal fast." The boy said, shooting her a wide grin.

"You mean … you…"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Naruto assured her, still grinning like an idiot. "So Sakura-chan, why don't you tell me more about how much you love me while holding my head against your boobs?"

Naruto wasn't particularly surprised when Sakura punched him while shrieking like a banshee. He'd known that line would get him clobbered, and he pretty sure he'd already had a beating coming for pretending that he was dying and scaring Sakura so badly, but some things were worth taking a punch or twelve from Sakura. The look on her face when she realized what he'd done was priceless, and he'd finally confirmed his long-held belief that Sakura's breasts, while small, were nicely perky.

Still running away and hiding for a couple weeks to give her time to calm down seemed like a good idea. Hadn't Pervy-Sage said something about wanting to go on a training trip to go look for some old lady?


End file.
